Personal Experiences Of Delayed Ejaculation: Not being Able To Come During Sex

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From a customer:

Thank you for putting together this website and for the very reasonable price to access these very enlightening ideas! I have read through the content and so far this has helped me see some things from a new set of eyes and dispel some unhealthy and non-productive thought processes which have been inhibiting me – mental blind spots so to speak. Besides wishing just to say thank you for this very honest and practical website that thankfully avoids some kind of unhelpful 'magic pill' phony solution, I would like some specific help as the material can sometimes lean towards solutions with the help of a partner, and I am single.

I will briefly describe my situation to clarify the help I would appreciate:

I actually first had sex much later than my first time / times in bed with women.

I was always very horny as an adolescent and was never shy to masturbate. I was always easily turned on and still am, and get erect straight away with women from either cuddling, kissing, dancing, etc … even sometimes when talking over the phone non-sexually but simply being excited by the girl nonetheless! Women have even commented on how because I'm hard so soon that they like this because they don't need to turn me on.

The problems started from my first time 'having sex' with a girl. I was SO nervous I got extremely cold and was physically shaking. When I eventually pulled myself together and the interaction with her was building and we were about to have sex, as soon as it became 100% certain and there was no turning back and we were going to have sex, at that moment where I had to step up and insert my penis, I got nervous again and lost my erection. After that I settled down and the girl wanted to go to sleep, but I got aroused again and was desperate to have sex.

This exact cycle repeated with other girls. Each time I would beat myself up more and more and couldn't understand how I could be so aroused but when it came time to have sex it felt like my penis lost all feeling and went soft, a bit like a tortoise shooting its head back in its shell.

I made it worse for myself by thinking how this shouldn't happen to a man, and telling myself that no-one else suffered from this. It was only as I got more experienced that I realized alcohol plays its part, which even though these early sexual experiences came from nights out and there was drink involved, I dismissed.

I also discovered through social interactions with girls when they would be talking with either me or their friends about there sexual experiences that they all had stories of the guy just going soft. However by the time this happened the seeds of 'failure' had already been sewn.

Eventually, I had sex with a girl that became my long term girlfriend and this problem went away, however intermittently I would suffer from not ejaculating.

Since being single now both problems have re-occurred either together or exclusively which has led me to researching the internet and finding your site.

I have taken as honest a look as possible at myself and tried to find out what is going on in my head. Here is where I think my problems stem from, and I would love your thoughts and experienced insights:

Because of the problems above, I learned to become good at foreplay (I guess as a defense mechanism so that even if I couldn't 'perform' I could satisfy her to make her cum) and I naturally get turned on by her being turned on, which I love. But this leaves me getting in my head and being tied up too much in if she is enjoying it to the point that if she isn't then neither will I.
I got body-shy as an adolescent and thought I had a small penis, as I think I'm a 'grower not a shower' so to speak, but when erect I am above average size and had compliments from women which I felt were just kind-hearted encouragement.
I had a deep rooted sense that women don't enjoy sex and do it as a favor for the man (lie back and think of the queen sort of thoughts), where this came from I can only guess, maybe from the media of women joking about sexually incompetent men (Jo Brand and Victoria Wood come to mind if you are English Rod), or maybe the stereotype of the woman making the man wait for sex, this led me to make the incorrect links and associations in my head.
I have my own unique way of masturbating, its sort of a fingers and thumb grip, quite hard with no real contact with my palm. The other thing is the rhythm of it, it is normal and then when I get the natural good feelings of arousal up the shaft I follow them up to the head of the penis and change to a shorter more vigorous motion to enhance the feeling. However this has led to problems now because women use a more standard, softer grip with a standard up down motion and obviously they can't feel those feelings I get in the shaft of my penis so don't know to change the motion.
I have always felt embarrassed about talking about sex and self conscious of being some type of sleazy guy around women. When instead I should realize my desires come from the right place and they are healthy and what being a man is all about.
I have in the past masturbated against my mattress but I can count on my hand the number of times I've done this.
As I got into my head about needing to be the best at foreplay, I have started to neglect that I need turning on too, I couldn't answer a girl if she asked me how or where I like to be touched. I have made the mistake that just because I am erect that I am turned on.
The big one that I feel really applies to me is that I can't let go, enjoy the moment and lose myself in the sex, I am a bit of a control freak and perfectionist with myself! I am more in her head about if she enjoys it, am I taking too long to cum, what 'should' I be doing next. And for some reason I get really self conscious about how I'll look and sound when I climax and get embarrassed, ridiculous huh?! And this is what I feel is the major issue for me! Rationally I look at it and say, "I love nothing more than to see her cum because of me" but I can't seem to apply it to the same truth that she is wanting to see and feel me cum, maybe it stems from the 'women not liking sex' thing I mentioned before.
I don't know if its related but I also get pee shy at urinals.
When I feel myself not climaxing, in vain I then try to access my masturbation fantasies but they don't come to mind.

I feel a lot of these problems have stemmed from me making false links in my head about what I thought sex was and how it was supposed to work when I was younger. I can rationalize now but this deeper routed stuff above is coming back to bit me on the arse! I am now trying to replace all this negative programming by the truth from the actual reality of the situation.

Can you help me?

As I wrote before I found that the majority of the techniques involved needing a supporting partner and I am single. But so far:

I am changing how I masturbate to how a woman would do it;
Not over masturbating by just trying to get the climax feelings as quickly as possible;
Working on getting out of my head and into my body; and
Realizing that I need to be actually turned on to ejaculate and simply being erect is not the real sign of being properly aroused.

Could you please help me with your insights into the problems I outlined above and also strategies, techniques or further reading for the single man trying to solve this on his own e.g. the right mentality, how to relax into my body and get out of the anxious thought processing that are holding me back, e.g. being self conscious how I look when I cum etc ….

Thank you again so much for the insights you have given so far, they have been very helpful and am I working on them with the commitment to get through this.

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Can't ejaculate during sex?

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Many men think they are alone with this problem, but in fact it's surprisingly common - about one man in ten has the problem at any one time. The great news is that there are some simple and easy techniques which will help your husband or boyfriend to ejaculate during sex - and he can use them in the privacy of your own home! Click on the link to find out how you and your partner can come during sex, and orgasm during lovemaking.