Delayed Ejaculation (Retarded Ejaculation) |
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Delayed ejaculation (retarded ejaculation)What is delayed ejaculation or retarded ejaculation? Both these terms mean the same thing - that a man cannot reach orgasm in certain circumstances, usually during sex with a partner. In days gone by you'd hear this condition referred to as "ejaculatory incompetence", thought this sounds insulting and judgmental, and the term is now no longer used. Most sexual therapists and psychotherapists refer to delayed ejaculation or retarded ejaculation. In any event, though, it comes down to this: a man cannot reach orgasm or ejaculate during sex (sexual intercourse or coitus, usually). He can usually reach orgasm through masturbation. It's also worth mentioning that you may hear some other terms used to describe delayed ejaculation: these include ejaculatory dysfunction, or anejaculation, or ejaculatory overcontrol, or even the less judgmental term "inhibited orgasm".If a man can reach orgasm and ejaculate during sex with himself (masturbation), you may well ask why he cannot do this with a partner. We'll look at this in a minute, and indeed cover it elsewhere on this website, but first of all, let's make clear that this condition is no joke. Retarded ejaculation, or delayed ejaculation, causes a lot of emotional distress, especially anxiety and loss of sexual self-confidence. Clearly, a relationship where a woman wants her man to ejaculate inside her, or where she wishes to enjoy "normal" intercourse, is going to be affected by this condition, and it does indeed often have a damaging effect on the dynamics of a couple's relationship. Again, we'll examine this more closely later in the website. How common is retarded ejaculation or delayed ejaculation? Although one often sees the claim that it is the third most common male sexual disorder (after premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction), this tells us little about how common it is. The answer is that little research has been done on the condition, but basically it seems to affect about one man in ten at some point in his life, and many of these men have had it for years, decades even. The question you may well ask is why men leave it for so long before seeking treatment - the answer is that couples often have an unconscious agreement around the dynamics of the relationship which keeps them locked into a symbiotic relationship where they each play a part in keeping the man's sexual problem alive. A couple may only seek treatment when the woman wishes to become pregnant or she threatens to leave because of her sexual dissatisfaction. Treatment is quite possible, but it works best when a couple is well-motivated and happy to work through long-term therapy. Interestingly, there is little information on treatment in the literature, firstly because it is a hidden problem, one which men seek to keep to themselves, and second because little research has been conducted on the problem. Most of the research on how to treat it comes from the writings of Masters and Johnson, and Helen Kaplan in the USA. Delayed ejaculation is usually caused by over control on the part of the man concerned. Often men who experience this problem have had a strict upbringing in which sex was pretty much a taboo or shamed subject, and who admit to a tendency to be controlling in their own lives. Needless to say, this sexual energy is often sublimated into other areas, so, for example, many of these men have a great deal of drive which has taken them to the top of their chosen professions. However, this tendency to be over-controlling is often inwardly directed rather than at others - especially when it comes to sex. These men may believe it is wrong to let go and show emotion, and they may have difficulty in showing their emotions in general. In short, they find it difficult to "let go", where letting go is obviously a metaphor for releasing semen in ejaculation. Thus retarded ejaculation or delayed ejaculation becomes a symbol of an internal emotional process which centers on a man's inability to let go and experience free-flowing emotions in both life and, more specifically, in sexual matters. There are some other factors at work, too: men may fear pregnancy, they may have some vaginal aversion, and they may have some degree of latent homosexuality. Having said all of that, there are other reasons why a man may develop retarded ejaculation: as men get older, for example, they may find that they cannot easily ejaculate - sex may become a matter of ejaculating once every two or three sessions of intercourse. This, of course, is not true retarded ejaculation, a problem which occurs in younger men. Another cause of ejaculatory difficulties is medication: even men who have never had any ejaculatory problems before may find that certain medications, such as antidepressants and antipsychotics, can cause ejaculation problems. Changing the medication may help. Recreational drugs, including alcohol, can also cause a delay in ejaculation. So too can serious spinal injuries. Why does delayed ejaculation cause problems?Although it might at first seem to be a gift from the gods (imagine being able to make love for as long as you wish without ejaculating - wouldn't that be a gift for any woman?), retarded ejaculation is far from pleasant. For although women often complain that men cannot last long enough during sex, and that if their partner could only make love for longer they would be able to reach orgasm without difficulty, the simple fact is that most women get a sore vagina and fed up with long lasting intercourse long before their partner is able to climax, and this retarded or delayed ejaculation is actually very undesirable for them. Having said that, for a young man, bedding women galore, being able to have sex for an hour or more may seem like an asset. But, where the prospect of children may come up, delayed ejaculation often becomes a big problem. Both partners may be sore and frustrated, and the woman is most likely to feel a considerable degree of resentment or see it as an insult when her man does not ejaculate when they have sex. Not surprisingly, relationships often break down, because the partner simply cannot cope with the absence of ejaculation. Most often, a couple seek treatment when they wish to have a baby. What can be done for men with delayed or retarded ejaculation?This is one of the more challenging sexual issues to cure, but it can be done. There are no drugs available to treat this condition, but a combination of counseling, therapy and behavioral treatments usually does the job. The object of psychosexual therapy is to increase a man's confidence around sex, to lessen his sense that he must be in control all the time during sex, and to allow him to give up the belief that he must work hard to please his partner during intercourse. When he relaxes about sex, when he is able to give up control, when he is able to take as much pleasure during sex as he gives his partner, he will be much nearer being able to ejaculate inside his partner without difficulty. Often, a man who is experiencing retarded ejaculation or delayed ejaculation can reach orgasm during masturbation and sometimes during foreplay (oral sex and mutual masturbation) but not during intercourse. One way of treating this is for the man concerned to engage in a series of progressive desensitization exercises: he may start by developing the ability to ejaculate in the presence of his partner when she is, let's say, across the room, then gradually work his way nearer to her, until he can ejaculate just outside his partner's vagina, and from there he can gradually develop the ability to ejaculate inside her. Another approach, which is complementary to this one is the process of sensate focus, a treatment which involves the couple working through a series of stages, starting with mutual touching and gradually moving on to mutual masturbation and penetrative vaginal sex. All of these approaches to treating delayed and retarded ejaculation are described in a simple and comprehensive way on this website, with clear instructions which will allow you to follow the treatment regime yourselves and develop full ability to enjoy intercourse. [
Treatment of delayed ejaculation; the way to cure retarded ejaculation
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