What Is Delayed Ejaculation?

What is Delayed Ejaculation (also known as Retarded Ejaculation)?

It basically means a man cannot come (i.e. ejaculate, reach orgasm, get off, however you want to put it) during sexual intercourse with his partner. He may or may not be able to come during masturbation. 

Delayed ejaculation (DE) is the least understood of all male sexual problems. Although a lot of people - both men with delayed ejaculation and therapists alike - think the problem of delayed ejaculation is not very common, I believe from my work over the last ten years with men who have sexual problems, that about one man in ten has DE at any one time.

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Although ejaculation and orgasm usually occur at the same time, they are actually separate events: orgasm and ejaculation are controlled by different neural circuits and different brain systems.

When you talk to men who cannot ejaculate during sex, a very clear picture of both the causes and effects of delayed ejaculation (also known as retarded ejaculation and male anorgasmia, and sometimes "male orgasmic disorder") soon emerges.

The problem in dealing with ejaculatory difficulties like delayed ejaculation is that a man who can't come may have either a problem reaching orgasm or a problem ejaculating.

The likelihood is that he is not reaching orgasm, rather than that he is reaching orgasm and failing to ejaculate. In fact, that seems fairly clear. So we can define delayed ejaculation as an orgasmic disorder, specifically as "recurrent or persistent absence of, or delay in, orgasm following  sexual excitement during sexual activity which would normally be enough to produce orgasm."

How the judgment of how much sexual activity would normally produce orgasm is to be achieved is an awkward question, since sexual responses and arousal is so different between different men. Another important question is whether or not there is a distinction between complete failure of orgasm and ejaculation, or just a long delay in reaching orgasm and ejaculation. These might be two different conditions.

However, we can certainly use the expression "delayed ejaculation" because it becomes defined by its character as the other side of the well-known condition of premature ejaculation - which leads us neatly to a definition of delayed ejaculation: "A sexual problem where a man finds it difficult or impossible to ejaculate despite the presence of adequate sexual stimulation, erection, and conscious desire to achieve orgasm."

What is delayed ejaculation? What are the symptoms of delayed ejaculation?

Most men want to come during sex. That's obvious, and it's also obvious that many men come far too quickly for their liking - or that of their partner. So when a man cannot come at all, there is some kind of involuntary inhibition of the orgasmic reflex at work. Delayed ejaculation may be lifelong (less common) or acquired later in life (much more common). Strangely, it can be something a man experiences with just one partner, or it can affect every sexual encounter he engages in.....and, even more strangely, it affects some men when they masturbate, in that they cannot reach orgasm.

The basic key to understanding delayed ejaculation is this: the erotic sexual energy which moves from arousal all the way through to sexual orgasm is inhibited or blocked in some men, so that they cannot translate the desire for sex into an orgasm and ejaculation.

This has been called coital anorgasmia.

Since a man may have an orgasm through masturbation or oral sex but not through sexual intercourse, it's clear that delayed ejaculation can take several forms.

First of all, some men can only come through masturbation and non-coital stimulation.

Second, some men can only reach orgasm with masturbation.

Third, some men may ejaculate after prolonged and intensive penile thrusting during sex.

Fourth, some men can get to the verge of orgasm but can't make it to ejaculation.

Fifth, some men think they will never get to orgasm during intercourse.

In all these men, there is no problem getting an erection and sexual desire seems normal.....it is a failure of the orgasmic or ejaculatory reflex that is the problem.

Characteristics of Delayed Ejaculation

So we have mild forms of delayed ejaculation and we have severe forms. Sometimes men can have an orgasm and ejaculate while their penis is in the vagina, sometimes they cannot. Sometimes they can come with the help of their partner, sometimes they can only come when they are self-stimulating. In some cases, a man has never been able to ejaculate at all.

There are no benefits to delayed ejaculation - not even the fact that the man is able to thrust for ages during sex, supposedly giving his partner enormous pleasure from prolonged vaginal stimulation.

This may be partly true, and indeed some men have written to me to tell me that their partner comes many times when they make love, but I believe most women get bored and sore rather than deriving much sexual pleasure from their man's long lasting thrusting powers during sex. (This also reflects the fact that many men with DE are not particularly aroused by sex with their partner.)

In reality, the suggestion that the long-lasting erections and intercourse without sexual release by the man, things that are common in delayed ejaculation, actually represent a bonus for the woman (because she receives more vaginal stimulation) may really be based only on the remarkable fact that men often value performance over pleasure when it comes to sex.

The reality is very different: even when the man can ejaculate after a long time thrusting (and it may require both extreme force and stimulation from vigorous thrusts for him to do so), the experience is usually seen as negative by both partners. There is, for example, little room for intimacy, and the act of lovemaking becomes a chore rather than a pleasure. One hears the expression "hard work" time and again in relation to delayed ejaculation, with few references to pleasure. In general, the man stops thrusting after a while because his erection fails him, and the woman loses interest because she is sore or has lost natural lubrication.

A lot of women think they are somehow responsible for their partner's delayed or missing orgasm and ejaculation. Other women are disappointed that there is no opportunity to share an orgasm. Often, they sense that the man with delayed orgasm, or retarded ejaculation, is excessively in control of his sexual arousal and responses, and that this is somehow a reflection on their own capability as sexual partners - not to mention the effect it has on their ability to relax and let go into the sexual experience (and hence their enjoyment of sex).

In some cases, a man with delayed ejaculation during intercourse may refuse to allow his partner to stimulate him orally or by hand, or he will allow it but fail to reach orgasm, and this feels like a rejection and a direct statement that the woman is not needed by her partner. And most of all, as you might expect, the fact that the man cannot ejaculate can make both partners lose interest in sex, and this places strain on the foundations of the whole relationship.

It's no surprise that most men with delayed ejaculation feel unhappy and anxious about the problem, especially if it happens from the first time they have sex onwards. The whole situation can become a major concern bordering on an obsession, with considerable fear and anxiety about the partner's likely reaction. Sex becomes less and less pleasurable, sex becomes a burden, undertaken to please the partner and offer some sense of self-worth, and eventually men may begin to fake orgasm or develop erectile dysfunction, feelings of sexual aversion, and disgust.

[ Delayed ejaculation treatment ] [ My boyfriend or husband can't ejaculate during intercourse ] [ Case study of DE - a couple with ejaculation problems ] [ Boyfriend unable to ejaculate during intercourse, husband unable to ejaculate, can't reach orgasm ] [ Case history of DE ] [ Why you can't ejaculate during sex ] [ Unable to ejaculate ? ] [ Personal experiences of difficulty with ejaculation ]